I stopped speaking words when I realized
that some of my best friends only like to hear their own,
and when they walk they forget that I’m lying right under them.
I have too much to say so I won’t say anything.
I asked myself to hold it inside just like when I held the hedgehog
that burrowed its way into my gut.
While its pines stabbed my innards
While its getting drunk off my liver.
I don’t know why but I feel if I
hold it inside long enough
people won’t worry
they’ll stop talking and forget that I exist.
The hedgehog is gone now
and I’m relieved/ I’m lonely.
I’m sitting in my room
and nothing hurts anymore.
Track Name: sometimes
Sometimes this bed never seems to get warm,
even with five blankets cold air slips in,
won’t let me sleep
along with the squirrels in my wall that play games
when I turn the lights off.
Sometimes I feel alone in a room full of people,
the anxiety of not knowing what to say
and wanting to say everything at once.
Sometimes I give half hearted hugs because
half of my heart doesn’t know what hugs are,
left ventricle still too bitter and dry.
Sometimes I’ll paint trim around a door for hours
because it never seems to look complete.
Too many damn spots that show up
when I put the brush down.
Some of the worst headaches I’ve ever had
are when I scream my vocal chords out
to distorted guitar
and it’s beautiful.
Some of the best friends I’ve ever had
are right here in this basement,
graffiti covered walls and
I’m crying out for us all to be friends again.
Some of the best times I’ve ever had
are now and I’m not about to lose them
to my worried mind.
Track Name: intricacies of failure
I remember when you called constantly to talk about your ex-lover who you thought never loved you.
And I was there, but too far away to explain the intricacies of failure and how it’s not worth hurting for.
So you decided to see how long you could sleep with the help of too many pills while I drove you to the emergency room.
It turns out you could sleep forever, but you failed and we are all grateful for it.
You longed to keep the hurting with you, and I couldn’t make sense of it all, reading psychology books to tap into your brain.
And I became insane with overanalyzation and sleep deprivation after we kissed on the bathroom floor. I didn’t know what it meant.
I know you used me, and maybe I used you, using each other to make ourselves feel better about being crazy.
We both failed at keeping secrets and slept with our eyes tightly shut so we couldn’t see each other’s pain.
I’m not there anymore, too far away to even remember your face because I never failed to keep my eyes shut after those days.
Track Name: ronnie the recluse
The repetition of a breath,
sweat drenched relapse
into hallucinogenic convulsions.
twenty six stories high in a building
twenty six rocks down to the edge
of gray, industrial water.
Put me on the table
replace my brain with a soda filled can
so I never have to stick knives in modern life
reveal secrets of government and endless suburbia
through cracked lips again.
Weak knees, swarming stomach and twitching hands
find me again, drag me back to reality of water below.
Shake my head watch me explode.
Crystal waves tear through my body.
exhalation after the fall.
A couple trod on the sand minutes later.
A kiss in the sunset
rock tower gleaming.
How beautiful it is.